Wednesday, December 31, 2008

What I've Learned This Year: 2008

On the eve of the new year, which looks to be shaping up to be one of the greatest years of my life thus far, I’ve been reflecting on what I’ve learned. This year has taught me to look deeper into myself, and to use what I’m learning to improve myself

Probably the most important thing I’ve learned this year is about my friendships. I’ve always had great friends. I love to meet people, and I’ve never felt like I was without friends. Obviously relationships wax and wane, and grow and change and morph into other things, but I think each of the friendships I’ve had along the way has been of vital importance to my development of self. I used to think that friends were an external force in the directions my life has taken—an auxiliary piece of the puzzle, or something that happens as a result of choices and experiences I’m having on my own.

This year, though, I have come to realize that my friendships are inseparably entwined into my life—a part of my being that I can’t pull out and treat as a side item. I wouldn’t be who I am, or maybe even anyone at all, without my friends. And anyway, I wouldn’t want to be anyone without my friends—they make life interesting, and challenging, and more rich and broader and deeper.

I could go on for pages and pages about this subject, but in the interest of your sanity, internet, I’ve pared it down a bit to some of the things I think are most important about my friendships.

1. Part of the reason we like our friends is that we’re attracted to them. Sometimes it’s physical beauty—I have some friendships that started that way. I always wanted to be one of the “hot girls,” but since I usually end up as “the cute one that the boys talk to ABOUT the hot girls,” I’ll settle for being friends with said hot girls. It just so happens that the “hot girls” I know are also kind, generous, warm, adventuresome, carefree, and beyond compassionate for the people they hold dear. True beauties—inside and out.

The attraction to a friend can come from lots of places—intelligence, humor, skills (nun-chuck or otherwise), wit, or even sheer passion for life. We seek out in our true friends the things we feel we are lacking in ourselves, and that’s when we click—for lack of a less cheesy way to say it, we complete each other. I’m thankful for the ways my friends add to my life and my being, and I hope I do that for them.

2. True compatriots share in your experiences. Whether that means an activity you like to do together, or a common interest in something (from anime to new age spirituality to yoga to dogs to pop culture to knitting to drinking and laughing to contests that involve kicking one’s shoes as far as one can), or a moment you had together that binds you for life—not only shared experiences but shared desires. One of my dear friends admitted, a little bashfully, that she becomes a stalker when she meets new friends—tries to insert herself into their lives, because she can’t wait to become closer companions. I was able to tell her, after she related that story, that I stalked HER to become her friend—I wanted so badly to be able to call her a friend that I went to her desk at work every day under the guise of team-building, to endear myself to her. And it worked!

3. Having friends with different types and levels of experiences and lifestyles and attitudes and outlooks on life is vital to your survival. I am awed at how my friends have given me such perspective on my life—somehow I have managed to surround myself with people who not only can think through complicated topics, but can also put those thoughts into beautiful and meaningful words that speak to my soul. Whether it has been at a bar having beers, or at a cafeteria table at work, or in a pan-Asian restaurant drinking tea and eating tofu, or in a dive cafĂ© after yoga class, or in a knitting circle, or in countless loving emails or notes, my friends have helped me to look at my life from a new vantage point. I am amazed at their collective ability for introspection and for pushing the edges of understanding to help me learn and come to terms with problems I face.

4. A friend really does love you, NO MATTER WHAT. As humans we define limits—for our own abilities and possibilities, for rational and technical and emotional and fantastical subjects, and for the amount of love we believe someone else can give us. I’ve learned this year that those people I love unconditionally and support without wavering during any situation actually feel the same way about me. A silly thing to suppose WASN’T true, but all the same…what an amazing feeling to be supported so selflessly by people I love and trust and admire. Thanks to ALL of you for proving to me what friendship really means.

So to all my friends—thanks for everything you’ve done this year: for me, with me, about me, and maybe even that helped me, even if you didn’t know you were doing it. I couldn’t have made it to the end of 2008 without all of you, and I hope you know it. You’re more important to me than these meager words can express, and I hope I can be for you one 100th of what you’ve meant to me this year. Best wishes for 2009 to each and every one of you.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Giving of Gifts

Last weekend, I went Christmas shopping. I was searching for a few specific things for my family members, keeping Christmas modest and light this year, in view of the economy and other factors that have made this year a little challenging for all of us. I had a list, and (since I love lists and the feeling of checking things OFF my lists), I was sticking to that list like a soldier in battle—trying to get in and out of stores quickly and painlessly, finding what I needed and then planning a quick exit strategy. My plan was to buy what I needed, speed home, get things wrapped, and be done with it.

Sound like a beautiful and meaningful holiday season to you?

My plans were derailed by the fact that I went shopping with my friend Aaron. Aaron is NOT a list-maker, and, even though he made a list in an attempt to make me feel better about the afternoon, he didn’t really follow it. We went from store to store as his excitement for the season and for the gifts he was buying for his loved ones grew. He got more and more ecstatic about his goods with each purchase. You could see him imagining his loved ones opening presents in total surprise as he placed items in his cart.

I think I need to rethink the giving of gifts this season.

Sometimes I can be a bit of a humbug about Christmas—I am not one to keep much “stuff” around, and the things that I need or want I tend to just go out and get myself, so when it comes to Christmas, and someone asks what I would like, I can’t come up with anything. I don’t think that’s necessarily bad—I love holidays for the time spent with family and friends, relaxing, laughing, playing, and eating good food. THAT is as much of a present as anything I could think to ask for, so again, it’s hard to make a wish list.

On the other hand, I do like giving presents. I am hard on myself sometimes about finding the PERFECT present—that one thing that will make my sister giggle, or my brother-in-law’s eyes light up, or my mother to gasp “how did you know!” It gets MUCH harder to do this as people get older and more established in their lives, and really requires a lot of planning (not something I give myself much time to do). And it has come to my attention that other people love to give gifts, too.

Duh, Kate, you might be thinking to yourself. You’re not the only one who enjoys giving more than receiving. In fact I would venture to say that MOST people I know would much rather watch others open the gifts they give than open something themselves. But that means that we, as givers, also have to be responsible receivers, and learn how to take something with gratitude and humbleness, whether it is a compliment or a Christmas sweater.

Gretchen from The Happiness Project posted a link today to an article from The New York Times about the potlatch—a ceremonial tradition of giving to excess in some native American tribes. The article talks about what we can learn in today’s economy from giving, rather than cutting back, and what it means to be a giver, rather than focusing on receiving.

I hope to practice gift-giving with some measure of abandon this season—even if my gifts aren’t wrapped, but rather spoken, or sung, or practiced. Enjoy the potlatch!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Musings on a Teacher and Friend

In an earlier post, I mentioned my photography class at William Jewell College. My teacher was this amazing woman, and one of the reasons I loved the class and took a second semester of photography was that she taught me so much—not only about photography, but about life in general.

We had a lot in common—we were both from conservative Midwestern households, where our parents had been married for years and years, and we were raised in the church (both of us Methodist, I do believe). Both of us had gotten a little wild in college, and one of the first things I shared with the class was my tattoo—I did a self-portrait of my back, focusing mostly on the tattoo, because it had become something that defined me in multiple ways. My mother HATED that tattoo (and probably still does), and we had a bit of a falling out over it as I entered my second year of college.

My photography teacher assigned us a project over Thanksgiving break that fall—kind of a documentary-style photo essay, and I was having a hard time coming up with a subject. My teacher sat down with me and said, “What about doing your essay on your mom?” She said she understood the dynamic we had at the time, and thought it would make for an interesting story—and she was right. Those photos were fascinating to take—I followed my mom to work, to family gatherings, and around the house, and it gave me an interesting perspective on her, even though we were sometimes at odds. It allowed me to see her from a less emotional angle, and to consider her point of view a little more—my teacher’s suggestion was an excellent idea.

Later on that year, as I tried to decide whether travelling overseas for school was something I wanted to do, and where I should go, and what I should study, I talked to my photography teacher about her experience studying overseas, and I decided to go where she went—to Oxford, England—and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I babysat for my teacher’s kids—two gorgeous girls that were anything but a job! The girls loved to play games they made up, and we would spend hours running around the house playing variations of tag—some blindfolded, some with hilarious rules. We watched the Disney channel, made cookies, and had to shut up the chickens in the chicken coop in the evening—something I had NEVER done before I met them. They would remind me when it was getting close to bed time, and they would run upstairs and change into pajamas and brush their teeth and ask me to tell them stories about myself as a kid before they went to sleep. It was the most fun babysitting job I’ve ever had.

My photography teacher eventually quit teaching at William Jewell, and got THE BEST JOB EVER—restaurant critic for the Kansas City Star. When I would come over to babysit (at this point, as a young adult with a regular job), she would insist on paying me, and when I said no to money, she would pay me in cookbooks, or bottles of wine, or fabulous desserts from the restaurants she reviewed. She took me to my very first meal of sushi, and ordered one of everything on the menu at Kona Grill. She took me to other restaurants, and asked my opinion of the meals, and insisted that everyone order something different so we could taste each other’s dishes. Once I saw her out to eat at a fancy restaurant, and she sent over appetizers and drinks to our whole table.

It has been awhile since I spoke to my teacher, turned friend and inspiration. Lauren Chapin passed away this week, and I’m sorry that I hadn’t seen her or spoken to her in so long. I’m devastated for her beautiful girls, now 16 and 14, and for her husband, who is as passionate about music as Lauren was about food. I envied their family—their freedom to learn and to love and to try things that other people might find strange (do you know very many elementary school children who like Indian food and tzatziki?). I wanted to BE part of their family, and spending Friday and Saturday evenings at their house was like a vacation to an imaginary, fabulous life. One of the best parts was waiting for Lauren to get home after her dinner, so that I could hear about the food, and the people, and tell her things I talked to her girls about while she was out to eat.

Lauren was joyous, and an amazing listener, and a great friend. She helped me to learn who I was, and I still draw inspiration from the way she lived her life. I owe her a thanks that I probably never shared—I hope she knew how much she meant to me. Rest in peace, Lauren.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Yes, I love technology...

I’m not an incredibly technical person, or at least until recently I have never thought of myself as such. I work at a software company, and over the course of my six years there, I have definitely learned a lot about computers—by trial and error, by reading help files and other user documentation, and by asking questions that may or may not make me look stupid to the people who know the answers.

I LOVE technology. I love my cell phone, and can’t live without it. If I leave it at home on a run to the grocery store, I feel like I have to go home and get it. I love my computer, and even though I work on it all day, I go home and turn it on again, so I can surf the web or watch t.v. online. I love writing a blog, and reading the blogs of friends and strangers. I would feel lost without the ability to search for something at the drop of a hat. I even love the fact that “Google” has become a commonly used verb in our vernacular (even though usually I am a stickler for correct grammar).

Since I joined Facebook, I’ve seen a change in my relationships with both people I haven’t spoken to in years, and people I see every day. People I’ve met once or twice are more quickly engrained into my social circle, and people I haven’t thought about for years have become good friends again. Even the relationships with people I see or talk to every day have an added dynamic—reading people’s status updates, and seeing the comments and messages other people leave for them opens a window into someone’s life that you would most likely never experience—all with the dialog on the wide, wide, world of web.

At work, I learn something new every day about the capabilities of the personal computer, or some new way to technologically organize your life (check out Life Hacker for ways you never imagined using technology to simplify your existence). I’ve learned things about programming languages, and databases, and increasing usability in interface design. Do I sound like a nerd? I prefer email over letters or cards, text messages over phone calls, instant messaging over getting up and walking down the hall to talk to someone.

Being a nerd used to be a bad thing (remember all those teen movies where the nerd is transformed into a cool kid?) but these days, nerds are in high demand. Having the best and most up-to-date gadgets makes you more desirable, not less. Knowing how to fix a boot loop in your home PC, or how to write in HTML makes you marketable (both in the working world AND in your personal life).

I watched these videos the other day at the request of a friend, and I wasn’t sorry. The first is a short video about what Web 2.0 is, and the second (and much longer) is a presentation by a professor from K-State, who is studying the anthropology of this brave new world being created by Web 2.0. It’s a new term to me. It means that the internet is no longer just a viewer for information someone else has placed online—it’s a community, a culture, an interactive, necessary experience.

I want everyone I know to be my friend on Facebook. Sure it’s no substitute for actual human interaction, but I wouldn’t say it is LESS important…adding that dynamic of virtual interaction has made my relationships more interesting. I’m working on getting my parents to join up…we’ll see if they do.

So I’m not as technologically savvy as most of the people I know here at work, and I don’t claim to know much of anything about all this new stuff, but it excites and intrigues me, so I want you to feel that way, too. Let me know what you think about the videos.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Memories

I've been going through boxes of my "memories." My mom kept a big steamer trunk that she put my things in--photos, programs from plays I was in, books I wrote, diaries from 3rd grade on, and cards I made (mostly for mom). It's a big trunk, and heavy. I thought it was a lot of stuff.

As I looked through it, and those artifacts jogged my memories, I started realizing how many moments of my life AREN'T documented. I also realized how much I need things, or pictures, to help me remember the things I've done, the places I've been, and the people I know. My recall isn't very good--friends are always reminding me of things we've done together, and as they talk the memories start to come back, but before those conversations, I can't remember a thing.

One of my favorite radio shows, Radio Lab from WNYC (a public radio station in New York), did an episode about memory. One of the things they talked about in this episode was how memory works. As you pull back a memory from the database in your head, you apply the rest of your life experiences to the situation, and add details, and fill in blanks, without really realizing that you're doing it. You change the memory and remember it slightly differently than it actually happened. The truest memory is the one that stays locked in your brain forever, that you don't ever access...but then it's worthless, right?

I can remember tiny snitches of things that I don't have pictures of--standing at the top of the stairs that went down to the basement in my grandparent's house in Springfield, making my sister laugh uncontrollably in the backyard as I chased her on the swing, riding my bike so fast my hair streamed out behind me down the streets in Monett, MO. They're more like pictures than concrete memories, and I remember more feelings than conversations or events.

Now we have digital cameras and cell phones that can capture every moment. We can blog our thoughts and keep records of every daily event, not just like a diary, but in a computer database, with search capabilities. We can post videos online and track who watches them.

Part of my problem with keeping the things that jog my memory is that I hate clutter. I want to get rid of things, to purge my life of everything I don't need at the moment. I'm usually sorry about it later.

So, I know it isn't time for New Year's resolutions just yet...but I think that's going to be mine for 2009--to document my life more completely. Since I can do it digitally, I hope to be able to avoid my fear of the clutter taking over my life. Maybe I can also work on my recall...memory game suggestions, anyone?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Election Day 2008

It has been a whole week since our country elected a new president.

I’ve been rolling this blog post around in my brain for a week, trying to capture what I have been feeling and thinking about this subject, in addition to sharing a little of my experiences over the past weeks and months during this presidential campaign. I’m glad I didn’t post right away on Tuesday or Wednesday, or even later in the week, because a lot has happened since then, both in the national and local media and in my social circles.

Many of you know I have never been very interested in politics. As many people have said lately, talking about religion or politics can be a sticky subject. I usually reserve those conversations for people whom I know agree with me, or with whom I know I can have a safe discussion, where no tempers flare and no feelings are hurt. I don’t like angry arguments about religion OR politics, because I don’t think a shouting match ever changed someone’s mind about how he feels about anything, much less either of these controversial topics.

As I have mentioned before, I remember getting annoyed with my roommates as we watched the results for the 2000 election in our living room on Morse street in Liberty. It was two against one in favor of the republican side in our house (with me abstaining from caring at all). There were lots of shouting matches, and hurt feelings galore. I tended to leave the house when the news was on, and the night of the election I stayed far away. I don’t even think I voted in that election. I just didn’t care.

I voted in 2004, but again, I didn’t have a whole lot of passion for the election. I voted because I felt it was my civic duty, and because I didn’t really agree with the turns the war in Iraq had taken, but it was a very passive interest, and after the election was over I didn’t feel much besides relief that political ads wouldn’t be interrupting my favorite t.v. shows, and that we’d have a lot less junk mail to recycle.

So why was this election different for me? I’m older, obviously, than I was four or eight years ago, and with age comes a tiny smattering of wisdom, or at least exposure to things like taxes and social issues and healthcare and the like. The longer I’m on the planet, the more I’m exposed to the things I vaguely remember my parents having serious conversations about when I was a child, and I have become the person responsible for dealing with those issues.

In addition to my becoming a little bit more of a grown-up, there were so many issues at stake during this election that I and most people I know couldn’t help sitting up a little bit straighter and paying attention. The war, the economy, healthcare, the environment, and our relationship as a country with the rest of the world. No matter what side of the political line you fall on, these things affect you, and you probably have opinions about what should be done about them. The whole country is struggling with debt and housing prices and job availability. The whole country is worried about our troops overseas and this war that is different from any other confrontation we’ve been involved with. The whole country is paying higher premiums for health insurance, and most people I know are having to work a little harder to make ends meet. The whole country is affected by the state of our environment, whether by gas prices or leaving the country a passable place for our children to live in.

Through the course of this election season, I became a political news junkie. I started reading blogs and watching web sites for political updates. I started watching television shows that I never thought I’d be interested in. I can name political correspondents and pundits, on the left and the right. I started having political discussions at work and at play, with people whom I knew disagreed with me, and with people about whose political affiliations I wasn’t quite sure.

I was pleased to learn that many people I talked to, while we may have been on different sides of the fence, wanted to have an energetic but friendly conversation about politics. I’m glad that I have friends that lean towards both ends of the spectrum, and that I know so many people who can speak intelligently about their beliefs. I’m proud of the fact that I could participate a little, and sometimes even sounded like I knew what I was talking about.

I got so involved in this election that I put up a campaign sign at my house, and I put a bumper sticker on my car. I wore a pin to show support for the candidate I believed in. Sometimes I would look in the mirror and wonder where this enthusiasm came from—when did I become someone who cares about politics? It seems to have snuck up on me.

The day of the election, I took off work, and went to the Obama campaign office in downtown Kansas City to see what I could do to help. Me, Ms. Apathetic, Ms. Avoider-of-Confrontation. I signed up to knock on people’s doors for the candidate I supported. Two friends and I ended up in Lee’s Summit, working to get out the vote for Obama-Biden. I don’t think we changed anyone’s minds, but I felt empowered and energized—the weather was great that day, and the people we talked to were friendly and excited about having their vote counted that day.

I think this is the first time on my blog that I’ve mentioned who I voted for this year. Towards the end of the election, I posted a few notes on my Facebook page about it. I watched all the debates, read both candidate’s web sites, and followed all the news stories about the campaign. I felt informed. Probably for the first time in my political life.

On Tuesday night after the election, I went to a watch party at Flying Saucer in Kansas City’s new Power & Light district. It was an unofficial Obama volunteers party, and I don’t know how the word even got out, but the place was as packed as I’ve ever seen it, filled with supporters of the Obama campaign. Everyone was excited. We watched the results come in. Some people booed when a state would post a majority for McCain, but for the most part the energy was positive.

When the west coast polls were getting ready to close, the whole place counted down the seconds like it was New Year’s eve, and when CNN declared Obama the winner, the room exploded. People were jumping on furniture, cheering and clapping, gasping, and even crying. Complete strangers hugged each other, and high-fived, and everyone was smiling ear-to-ear. The joy was infectious, and everyone was in awe.

The rest of the evening, through McCain’s speech and then Obama’s, there wasn’t a boo or a sneer or a smug statement to be heard in the place. Everyone listened with rapt attention as both candidates spoke, and there was a sense of wonder over the whole crowd. While Obama spoke, I had the opportunity to stand behind two well-dressed young African American men, who kept looking at each other and around the room with a glint in their eyes, and you could tell that they thought that anything was possible at that moment, as did everyone else in the room. I left that evening with a glowing heart.

The rest of the week brought a flurry of mixed emotions. Some were not so great. It’s hard to tell what I would have felt like if my candidate didn’t win—one can never know what happens on the road not taken. I read and heard things from friends, acquaintances, and co-workers that were negative, and in some cases almost hateful, from one person at the office. Because politics affects people at their core, and the decision for whom to vote was so much mixed with people’s sense of self and deeply held values, I understand where it came from. Like I said, if the results had gone the other direction, I may have felt the same way.

One thing I think Barack Obama did well in this election was appeal to people’s sense of the greater good. He spoke a lot about unity, and about coming together across the divide in our country, which in some places is very wide and very deep. John McCain spoke about it, too, and as my dad said to me the other day, both men have the best interests of our country at heart, and truly want to make the United States a better place for the whole of the nation. My dad and I agreed that there wasn’t one thing that either candidate did or said that made us feel this way—more of an intangible feeling we both got about these two men, who are great leaders and great Americans. While they may have gone about changing our country in different ways, I believe they both wanted sincerely to change it for the better.

After I expressed my dismay about some of the things I heard to my friend Red, she sent me a link to a clip from The View. Normally, I hate this show. Hearing those women talking over each other in progressively louder and more obnoxious tones grates on my nerves—or maybe it reminds me too much of myself and my friends, trying to talk over each other to get our own stories heard, rather than really actively listening to each other. Anyway, this clip was great, and encompassed just what I had been feeling. Elisabeth Hasslebeck, who went out on the campaign trail with the McCain-Palin camp, and who is obviously a republican, phrased well what I hope for our country: that we can come together in the midst of all these troubles we are trying to work through, and work on it together. That we can stop the bickering and divisiveness and work to make our country a better place. Yes, this nation of ours has its flaws, but really, aren’t we living in a place of great opportunity? Sherri Shepherd touched on this as she talked about watching the election results with her young son. She had been undecided up until the last, and even declined to mention who she finally voted for, but I liked what she said about the momentous feeling of the occasion.

I know this has turned into a long blog post…I have had lots of thoughts in my head in the past week. What I hope for our country is that we can work together. I think it is amazing that we live in a place where our votes can be counted, each and every one. That we can support who we want, and that we can speak out for and against both candidates and issues. We are so lucky to live in a place where dissention is not only allowed, but encouraged. Where political and religious freedom are rights that all Americans hold, and that we can all express our beliefs freely. I don’t hold any false ideas that all people are treated equally in this country…there are still places where race is an issue, or religious beliefs are sneered at, or people’s rights are being infringed upon because of their sexual orientation. There are still deep chasms that need to be mended before we’ll all truly be equal.

I’m proud of all of my friends and family who made sure they voted, whomever they supported, whatever issues they voted yes or no to on their ballots, because it is a privilege to live in a place where we can do such a thing. If we can come together, if we can treat each other as we want to be treated, we’ll really be getting somewhere. I heard a great story on NPR—young people, most who weren’t even old enough to vote yet, talking about the future of our country and their hands in making it great. I’ll leave you with that. Thanks for reading the longest post ever!

A President Kids Can Look Up To

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

Every once in a while, it is fun to pretend you are someone else. That is why I think Halloween is so great—not because I care about either the Pagan or Christian ideals it celebrates or protests. An acquaintance of mine on good ol’ Facebook posted this week that she would never let her children dress up for Halloween, not ever. She doesn’t believe in celebrating a Pagan holiday that glorifies blood and guts. I say she’s missed the spirit of the thing.

Pretending to be someone else, or something else, if only just for an evening, is an excellent way to explore another side of your personality. It can make you feel interesting, or brave, or more serious, or less constricted. It can allow you to see what it’s like to alter your personality, without a firm commitment to change.

I read a great article in The Atlantic this week about the idea that everyone has multiple personalities, conflicting for control, rather than one distinct self. I often feel this way—that there is more than one “me” in my body, or mind, or wherever what you would call the soul resides. I have attributed it before to being a Gemini—two persons in one mind. Allowing oneself to give over control to one of those other personalities for the evening is what makes Halloween so interesting to me.

By the way, if you’re looking for a costume, or you need a specific accessory to go WITH your costume, at any time of the year, you should check out Dottie Mae’s Costumes in Kansas City. I borrowed some angel wings from a friend at work, but I needed a halo to complete my outfit (see picture in this post!). I found just what I needed at Dottie Mae’s (plus a reason to have MULTIPLE costume parties in the near future, there were so many great options).

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Empathy

As this emotion-fraught election season draws to a close, tempers are flaring and metaphorical, hate-filled punches are being thrown by both sides of the electorate. I’m really more of a story-teller, rather than a political blogger, and I don’t intend to start spouting my political views here. I know some of you are thinking back to the Kate you knew in 2000, and remembering how annoyed I was at any mention of the election, and my roommates for fixating upon it and having knock-down, drag-outs about who should have won and how the votes were counted. Kate hates politics, you are saying to yourselves.

Well, I’ve grown up a bit since then. I don’t know if that is what has made me care about the state of the union this year—I’m getting older, and I can see how it matters. Some of it is the candidates themselves—how exciting to see a black man and a woman both on tickets this year. Some of it is the need for a new direction in our country, and that feeling that ANYTHING has to be better than this. Regardless, politics seems to permeate almost every discussion I overhear in the hallways at work, as well as the conversations I participate in.

I’ve always had a fascination with how people’s brains function. I spend a lot of time pondering why the people I know think the way they do. I try to diagnose the neuroses of my friends and family and acquaintances and co-workers. I'm always convinced there must be some psychological reason that people do the things they do. I had a boss, who will remain nameless (but my friend Red and I called him The Powser--our slang for a poser on a power trip), of whom I could never make up my mind whether he was actually crazy, or if he knew what he was doing was wrong most of the time, but was sure he could convince the rest of us that he was right. Either way, he was nuts.

As I watch the political ads and the interviews with pundits and listen to editorials on both sides of this election, I am struck by the fact that both sets of people have a stock set of lines to deliver. I know these things are what unites us with those on our side, but yesterday I heard some of those stock lines delivered by a co-worker. She said it like she thought it up alone, like she was the first person to say it. That made me realize that it isn't just a line she's spewing--it is a belief.

This particular person is on the republican side of the aisle, and what she said was that she didn't want any more of her money going to taxes to pay for things like welfare, which is just a handout anyway, because people just take that money and then don't get jobs or anything, just take advantage of the rest of us hard workers.

It struck me that she was completely lacking in empathy for this imaginary group of people who are taking the tax dollars and using them as "handouts." That she couldn't put herself in the shoes of someone who needed help, and the government was the only one there with a hand to lend in tough times.

I know that there are people who take advantage of the system. That's true of any system. But for each of those people, isn't it possible that there is someone who is really helped by programs like welfare? Isn't it possible there is at least one good, well-meaning individual, who is just down on his luck? Don't you want to believe that there is good in the world, and that it manifests itself in different ways?

One of my favorite bloggers posted a theoretical question on her web site, asking whether you would give money to a family in need if you were also required to give a very bad person the same amount of money?

My answer to this question is yes. I can't imagine being turned away from help because I couldn't fill out all the forms or navigate the legal system. If you don't have empathy, I think it's hard to be a liberal, or at least someone that leans to the left. At least that is how it looks from here. I'm thankful for my empathy, even though it sometimes makes me a little nuts, myself. If people were more concerned with self-sacrifice than with self-preservation, we wouldn't be in this mess.

How do you see it? Do you think one side is more compassionate, more empathetic than the other? Does it influence how you vote? Let me know! I have a research theory idea in my head and I need some feedback.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Living With Intention

Last week at yoga, Gina, my favorite yoga teacher at Kansas Siddhi Yoga, talked to us about living our lives with intention. While living a yogic lifestyle encourages you to experience each moment without worrying about rushing to the conclusion (a principle I have written about before), we also shouldn’t just float through life without making purposeful decisions.

In yoga, this means purposefully choosing our next pose, and fully committing to it. As Gina said, if you’re just going to do something half-assed, you might as well not do it at all (sage advice from her mother on laundry folding as a child). As we worked, Gina asked us to keep in mind our purpose for coming to class that evening, and to focus on that purpose as our intention for practicing yoga for the hour.

I think I do a lot of things without a clear intention in mind. Probably most things, in fact. It is much harder to move through your day with intention, even if you do less things in the day, than it is to move through your day without really thinking about what your purpose is for each step. I go shopping without a clear purpose of what I’m looking for. I walk to the cafeteria at work feeling hungry, but without any idea what I’d like to eat. I wake up in the morning and move through the motions without giving myself a specified time for leaving the house. I sit down at my computer without a list of tasks that need to be completed for the day.

It is clear to me that doing each of these things with some sort of intention or purpose would make me more productive and less wasteful. But I think Gina was talking more about a higher purpose, and a deeper intention, spanning across the whole of our lives. A friend of mine told me this week that I seem to do a lot of thinking about my past decisions, and who I am now and how I got here, but I don't spend much time looking forward. That’s definitely true, and it made me think—I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about where I am going, and who I want to become, and what things I’d like to accomplish.

It can be easy to get bogged down in the past, and I especially like to rehash things in my head and try to determine the root cause of my issues, and of other people’s issues. My challenge for myself in the near future is to turn my thoughts the other direction, and look forward with a goal in mind, or a set of goals.

What do I want to do with my life? Who do I want to be? I feel like it’s almost a physical task to grip the sides of the tub of my thoughts and rotate it around 180 degrees. It feels like it will be sloshy and messy. I can tell it will be physically exhausting to redirect my thinking. I’m still unsure of how to begin…maybe it is with small steps.

My friend G is an excellent blogger, and she keeps a running list of her goals. I admire her stamina, and how she speaks plainly about her progress. I am also jealous of her lists, so I think I may start a list of goals, and try to develop some idea of how to head in a forwardly direction. My life goals...it sounds so broad and so...I don't know...self-helpy. I don't know if I'll be brave enough to publish them here (what if I don't succeed???), but there is at least a place to start. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Rainy Days

In college, I took a couple of photography classes, because I love art, but can’t seem to get drawings or paintings to come out on paper like they are in my head. Photography always seemed like something that I could manage—I could come up with a creative idea, capture it, and it would actually manifest like I saw in my head. Not that I’m that great at it—I still luck into shots with my fancy new camera, but I’m learning.

The best part about my photography class in college was the mediocre dark room we had to work with. The equipment was ancient and cumbersome—the enlargers frequently fell off their hinges and wouldn’t adjust right, the sink didn’t drain properly, and there was little to no ventilation for the harmful processing chemicals. I loved that room. It was in the basement of the admissions building, in a corner of the art room. Totally underground, so at least the quality of the darkness was superb, if nothing else worked well.

In class, we spent our time crafting shots and working with different types of film and learning about lighting and angles and concepts. That meant that after hours was the time we had to spend in the darkroom, because there was no time for that in class. We had passes for the building that would allow us to call the security officers at any hour and they would let us in to use the darkroom.

I took this class very seriously. I had nothing to do with my major, and I didn’t even think I’d end up as a professional photographer, but it was such a great release for my creative energy, and so fun, that I used it to get away from my other studies, and to decompress.

If you’ve never manually processed film, I probably won’t be able to explain it to you very well, but here is a typical evening in the darkroom:

First, you have to develop the film itself. This step has to be done in complete darkness, or you’ll overexpose the pictures you’ve already taken. You take your little canister of film into a separate part of the darkroom, where there is absolutely no light. You crack open the canister, because when your film rewinds it gets pulled completely back into the canister. Then you wind the film onto a little stainless reel that holds the film away from itself, so that the chemicals can get completely in between each frame. You drop the reel into a stainless steel cup with a lid (kind of like a martini shaker) filled with developing chemicals and shake gently to get the chemicals to develop the film (there is a time amount involved here…I can’t remember how long it takes). When you’re finished, you dump the chemicals out and rinse the film with water to stop the development process. Oh, and this entire step is done in COMPLETE DARKNESS, so you get to practice being a blind person AND handling dangerous chemicals at the same time!

Second, you select your pictures from the negatives. This step is done out in the light, usually on a light table with a magnifier in your eye so you can see the tiny negative images. We would cut our negatives into strips to fit them into a contact sheet and circle the ones we liked with a wax pencil. I love those pencils, where you peel off the layers one by one, and your writing looks like a child’s, with the fat wax tip smashing into the plastic of the contact sheet.

Third (and this is my favorite part), you process your negatives into photographs. Using an enlarger, you project light through your negative onto a piece of unexposed photo paper. An enlarger looks kind of like a giant, clunky microscope, with a light switch. The amount of time you send light through the negative onto the paper determines the exposure of the print, but when you turn the light off, the paper still looks white, so you can’t see what it looks like until you dunk it into the processor. Our processing table was a really crudely built table with high sides, and there were plastic trays for holding the chemicals, about the size of an 8 x 12 piece of photo paper. You slide the photo into the processor and swish it around with some tongs, and the picture appears before your eyes. When it looks like you want it to, you pull the paper out of that tray and slide it into another tray filled with a chemical that stops the processing. At the end of the processing table is a sink with a trickle of running water that swirls around and drains, so that there is always clean water to wash all the chemicals off the paper.

The darkroom is lit with red lights, as to avoid exposing your paper before you get the enlarger over it. The wash sink has a slow trickle of water to continually clean the processed paper. I was usually there alone, late at night. There was an old tape player in the darkroom, and being obsessed with music and mood as I am, I made myself a mix tape to listen to as I worked. All the songs were quiet and soulful, and I can't remember very many things more peaceful than working in that room. It made me feel creative and centered, and let me be quiet and focused. I can't remember all the songs on that tape, and I lost it, or left it in someone's car.

Today I am listening to my Songs for a Rainy Day playlist, which puts me in a similar mood (though sitting at my computer working doesn't give me quite the same feeling as the old darkroom). Here are the tracks, in case you're interested:

  1. "Rain All Day," Fleming and John
  2. "Can You Stand the Rain," Boys II Men
  3. "Raining in Baltimore," Counting Crows
  4. "On the Sea," Vertical Horizon
  5. "Fire and Rain," James Taylor
  6. "What Have They Done to the Rain," Marianne Faithful
  7. "Only When the Rain Slips In," Scarlet Road
  8. "Why Does it Always Rain on Me," Travis
  9. "London Rain," Heather Nova
  10. "It's Not Raining," Emily Richards
  11. "Oblivion," Fiona Apple
  12. "Raining on the Sky," Naked
  13. "You Were Meant for Me," Jewel
  14. "Raindrops + Sunshine," Smashing Pumpkins
  15. "The Rain Song," Continental Drifters
  16. "Crying in the Rain," A-Ha
  17. "Summer Rain," Emotional

Monday, October 13, 2008

Religion vs. Faith

Recently I went to a movie. Some of you are gasping right now--Kate went to a movie?

I know. I generally have a hard time sitting still for as long as a movie takes to finish--they just aren't that good, and I get annoyed by the fact that it cost 10 dollars and that the snacks were so expensive I didn't get any even though I wanted to. And there are kids not old enough to be hanging around alone all just hanging around, being silly, doing all the things their parents ask them not to. And the parking is ridiculous, and the traffic, and the waiting in line. And then I have to sit in one position until it is over, and it's usually too loud...geez I sound like a whiner.


The movie I went to see was a) at the Tivoli, which is a small theater that usually plays documentaries and independent films (which consequently means no silly teenagers), b) with a very good friend, and c) an excellent movie. It was a documentary by Bill Maher, called Religulous. And I loved it.

Bill is an atheist, and a smart-ass, so it isn't surprising that the movie was brusque and witty. There were some excellent points, some people who made themselves look like idiots, and a little big of fear-mongering at the end, but I liked it still.

What I thought was most interesting was that many of the people Bill spoke to (and he didn't stop on Christianity--besides speaking to evangelicals and Catholics, he spoke to Mormons and Muslims and Jews, and scientists of all sorts, and creationists and evolutionists, and both crazy and sane individuals) couldn't speak to why they believed whatever it was they believed.

Oh, there were plenty of scholars, who were well-versed in their subjects, and they could answer most of his questions with thought-provoking answers, but many of the people (even some of those intellectuals) couldn't say for certain why they had faith.

That intrigued me. I can't say for certain what I believe--I grew up in a Christian home and that is what I know most about, but at the moment, my yoga practice and my Sunday morning knitting sessions are the things that speak to my soul most, like I would like a religion to do, but I can't find one that espouses the beliefs I hold. I would like to think, though, if I did firmly believe in one specific doctrine, that I could at least hold up to hard questions, and answer truthfully and intelligently, but maybe that wouldn't be true.

Many of the people Bill interviewed got defensive, and didn't want to hear questions. I know a lot of people like that, who are offended by questions about their faith. If you can't listen and answer questions, and handle opposition with at least a little strength, then was your faith all that strong to begin with?

A number of the interviewees also made statements that I know weren't true. For example, one minister interviewed about the $2000 suits he wears, and all this gold jewelry, and he said to Bill: "The Bible doesn't have anything against being rich!" While Bill played a clip from some movie with a Jesus character reciting Matthew 19:24: It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. It was amazing to watch a man that so many people follow seem to turn the words to what suited him best.

I know people are just people, but probably one of my biggest turn-offs with Christianity is that so many Christians, leaders and followers alike, seem to go directly against the beliefs they say they hold. I just want someone who is in a position of authority in the church to be honest and open, admit when they don't know the answer, and allow me to come to my own conclusions, and then not hate me when they are different conclusions than the church would have liked.

Religion is a hard topic--worse than politics. People's faith is so rooted next to their being that most don't want to hear dissension...it eats at their core, or their soul, and that is hard to handle.

I recommend the movie--if you're not easily offended by Bill Maher confronting beliefs that you may or may not hold dear. I'm still searching, so he didn't bother me in the slightest (and of course, he is a funny guy). If you see it, let me know what you think.

Friday, October 10, 2008

On Being a Grownup

I'm almost 30.

Yikes.

I remember when 30 seemed so old. In fact, I remember when the high school kids at church seemed old. My parents hosted the youth group at our house a few times when I was little, and I thought the older kids were so cool. Their coolness felt distant, unattainable. They had such cool clothes, and good hair, and they all seemed so at ease. I figured that when I was in high school, I would seem just as stylish and saavy.

When I was a freshman in high school, I definitely didn't feel cool. We moved from out of state just a few weeks before school started, and let me tell you--starting high school without a single friend in the world was possibly one of the most frightening things I have ever done. At the end of orchestra class (sidenote: being in orchestra probably did not help my coolness factor much), I stood up and shouted, "Does anyone have third lunch period?"

The room got silent. Most of you reading this probably did not know me in junior high, but for me to stand up and expose my soul to the room like that was like a death-defying stunt. I wasn't always as outgoing and attention-seeking as I am now.

One girl, with VERY blond hair and braces, admitted to having the same lunch period as I did, so I arranged to meet her before we got our food. Her name is Amanda Rostine, and she saved my life that day, and she probably didn't even think it was that big of a deal. She turned out to be one of the coolest people I knew at both high school and college. But I digress.

As a freshman, I thought the seniors were cool, and sophisticated. I was sure that as I neared the 12th grade that I would grow into myself and begin to feel more confident, but that didn't happen. In college I felt the same way, but never really managed to feel old enough to BE one of those sophisticated, well put-together students that I was always aspiring to be.

After I graduated, I started work, and still always felt young and silly, which was multiplied by the fact that I was the newest, youngest, female member of a team of mostly older, male software engineers. My defense was (and still is) to act silly and giggly when I speak to people that are more confident or knowledgeable about something than I am, and it makes me look less intelligent than I know I am. It's a bad habit.

Recently, though, and maybe because I'm about to hit the big 3-0, I have started to feel more like myself, and less like there is anywhere for me to go to become part of that higher, cooler, more sophisticated crowd. I almost feel like I'm there, but I can't believe it took me this many years--maybe that's why it is hard to believe that 30 is just around the corner.

Now, rather than wishing I looked or felt or knew how to act older, I relish the moments when people think I'm younger than I am. Buying beer at the grocery store in my running clothes and a ponytail, drinking with friends at a bar this week, meeting someone new...when people guess me to be younger than I am I light up and beam from within.

Why is it that we spend our childhood longing to be older, and our adulthood wishing for days gone by? I don't know if it is possible to teach someone NOT to think this way, but I think if I have children, I'll try harder than just saying "When I was your age...". I think I'll teach my children to pause in each moment so they really feel, really experience everything. And I think I'll teach them yoga so they know how to focus and just be. I wish I had known how to turn my mind's eye inward when I was little...maybe I wouldn't look back so wistfully if that were the case.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Never Settle


When I was sophomore in college, a good friend of mine gave me an amazing piece of advice--one that I haven't followed as well as I would have liked. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, so I've decided I need to add it as one of my happiness commandments.

Never settle.

What my friend said to me was this: "Kate, promise me, if you are ever unhappy, at any point in your life, promise me, promise, that you'll do anything in your power to change your situation."

I wonder a lot about the people around me--do I see the world differently than other people, or are we all just afraid to really talk about what we think and feel? Sometimes I get obsessed about this feeling that there just has to be something more to life, and I wonder what's wrong with me that I can't just accept how things are and move along with the current.

I don't mean to say that people who are completely satisfied with their lives as they are today are missing anything; on the contrary, I wonder what is missing in me that I can't be satisfied with my life as it is right now. My job is stressful, and not the most fulfilling thing--I always imagined myself doing something much more creative and free-thinking. I don't feel like I take enough time to do the things I love (sometimes because of my job, but sometimes because of the number of things I have to do at home, or pure laziness). There never seem to be enough hours in the day or days in the week (well, really enough days in the weekEND).

I tried to express these feelings to someone yesterday at lunch, and I couldn't put it into words. That elusive "more" always seems to be floating just out of my view, and when I turn my head, it's gone.

As I think more and more about this new commandment, I think that it isn't so bad to feel the need to avoid settling for something--whether it is in a job, in my personal hobbies, or in my relationships with friends and family. If I can avoid settling for important things, I know I'll feel happier.

To that end, I think I have to be less worried about the approval of others (see yesterday's post for more information about that issue). Keeping myself from settling into something that isn't right for me might take actions that won't be popular. THAT is the scariest part.

Approval

Since I was very small, I have loved to be a teacher's pet. I crave approval and attention, and I try my hardest to be the best, the smartest, the most adorable, just for that tiny taste of recognition from someone else.

My mom was our girl scout troop leader when I was eight, and I remember she told me that she wasn't going to give me any special privileges because I was her daughter--she planned to treat me like any other girl in the troop. Once when she asked us all a question, I raised my hand, excited to know the answer and excited to be called upon, but mom stood her ground, and let someone else answer the question. I remember feeling crushed--I knew the answer, and she KNEW that I knew it, and even though I remembered her saying that I was just one of the group, I still felt like she should have picked me.

In fifth grade I had a friend named Sarah, who was cool and popular and funny. I'm not sure why we were friends to begin with--I think her mother was our real estate agent when we moved to North Carolina when I was nine. One day, out on the playground, Sarah told me we were going to play a joke on another girl. We were going to wear our sleeves in a really weird way, and tell this girl it was the new style, so that every time she did it, we could laugh at how dumb she was.

I personally thought this was a ridiculous idea, and that the girl was way too smart to fall for something like that, but I went along with it. "DO NOT tell her this is just a joke," Sarah said to me. The charade went along--Sarah wheeling and dealing, trying to convince this girl she knew what was all the rage on the playground these days. The girl was having none of it, and finally said she didn't care and turned to walk away. Sarah watched her for a moment, then turned around and slapped me hard in the face.

I just stood there and looked at her, stunned. "Why did you DO that?" I said, hand to my stinging face.

"You were thinking about telling her the truth," Sarah said in a vicious voice. That was true--I just wanted the whole rouse to be over with so we could go and play. I didn't get mad, though--I stared at her, then we went back in to our class, and I forgave her and forgot about it.

I still search for approval, and I'm almost 30. I want my bosses to think I'm smart and a hard worker. I want my friends to think I'm funny. I want my family to think I make good choices. Sometimes I feel like I make wrong choices, simply because they are what someone expects of me.

Where does this need for approval come from? Obviously I can remember it as far back as girl scout troop meetings, early elementary school days. Is it bad to want approval, or praise? What if I didn't care what anyone thought--I think that would make me dispassionate and listless. As it is, I worry not only what people will think of me for every step I take, but I also worry that other people don't feel praised enough, so I dish it out like ice cream. I don't want to lose the ability to make people feel good about themselves--it makes ME feel good to smile at the people who think no one is watching, or to praise or compliment a friend in a very honest way. If I didn't care what people thought, would I have that same compassion?

I don't think craving approval is bad, unless it starts to interfere with your life. For some people it might seem easy to be truly honest and say what you think, and live your life with your own purpose, but for me, it's hard, and I still struggle with the balance between needing that approval and being self-sufficient and uncaring of the world's opinion.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Stuck in my head...

Sitting in the bright white light of my computer screen, in the silent evening, all the lights off, writing about my deepest, darkest secrets, I am listening to my Sad Songs playlist on the iPod, wondering about where my thoughts should be landing, and what kind of dreams will come of my whirling brainstorms.

Sad songs, or at least what I call sad songs, speak to my soul, and I want to cry out and sing along at the top of my lungs. Sad song lyrics sit on my chest like an animal, weighing me down, making it hard to breathe. I love that feeling; I love wallowing in it and letting the pain in the singers' voices wash over me like a rain storm.

I don't know if most people listen to song lyrics the way I do--I need to know each word, and why it was chosen, and then I want to ruminate in all the words together and know how the songwriter was feeling as she wrote.

I don't remember the first song I memorized all the words to. I do remember spending several hours in high school at Jennifer Catt's house with my hand on the rewind button of a CD boom box, listening to Lisa Loeb and learning all the words to "Stay," and trying to sing it with the exact same inflection in my voice as she did. I broke the radio in my Pontiac Grand Am (making out with a boy in a parking lot) when Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill album was in the cassette player, and the tape played for months in a loop, until I could sing every word to every song, and had the entire tape memorized, including the amount of milliseconds between songs and the key change between tunes. I memorized all the words to the fast part of "Hook" by Blues Traveler so that I could recite it as a monologue on command (a skill I totally copied from my high school youth group director, because I thought both she and the idea of having a trademark monologue were beyond cool--let me know if you want to hear it; I did an improptu rehearsal the other day and didn't skip a beat).

When I hear a song I love, I want to know it, and to live it. I still spend my driving time in the car rewinding CDs to hear a line again, until I can imitate the whole thing, turns of phrase and breaths included. I imagine my life in a series of vignettes set to music, like a video on MTV. I always have a song stuck in my head, 24 hours a day. If you stop me in the hallway or on the street and ask what song is playing, I'll never let you down (go ahead: try it). Sometimes it is an advertising jingle, but there's always music playing in my inner ears.

I don't know what it is about music that hits right at my core--I know that I gravitate to artists with complex and meaningful lyrics, and that I prefer singers that I can imitate (so Christina Aguleira and Beyonce are usually not at the top of my list--both are talented singers, so much so that I can't compete, so I don't even try).

I heard an interesting story from WNYC's Radio Lab about people who hear music so loudly in their heads that it seems real. Thankfully I don't hear this music in my head THAT loudly, but I do think, if I had to have any kind of debilitating condition, I'd like to have this one.

I'll leave some lyrics from one of my favorite sad songs with you as the end of my post. If you have some sad songs you'd like to share, please let me know so I can add them to my playlist.


And oh, the fear I've known, that I might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own. All I've sung was a song, but maybe I was wrong....

I am alone in a hotel room tonight. I squeeze the sky out, but there's not a star appears. Begin my studies with this paper and this pencil, and I'm working through the grammar of my fears. --Indigo Girls, "Language or the Kiss"

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Patience

I have just discovered that I am not a very patient person.

You might be saying to yourself, "Um, hello, you're just noticing?" or "How can you not know whether you are patient or not?" These are good questions.

As it turns out, I haven't ever really thought about it before. As I mentioned in Tuesday's post, I went to a great yoga class on Monday night, were I learned the word "kshama," which means patience, or being in the now. Since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, which is good--but it's made me realize just how impatient I am.

I hate waiting for someone to email me or text message me back. I want it to happen instantaneously. When I send someone an instant message, I want them to respond instantly. When I call someone on the phone, I want them to answer. I hate it when my friends don't update their blogs every day for me to read, even though I don't always update my own blog in a timely manner. Whether it is at work, or at home, I have been noticing that I'm irritated when I don't receive instant gratification.

I hate traffic, and red traffic signals, and even the drive home (it is just too long). I hate waiting for planes, or waiting for luggage to come around the carousel. I spend the week waiting for the weekend. And this week, I have been impatient for another yoga class! This sort of defeats the purpose of the pondering, doesn't it? If I am supposed to be trying to be patient, then I shouldn't be tapping my foot impatiently waiting for class to come around.

I'm not sure how one goes about teaching oneself to be patient. I think it might have something to do with breathing deeply and trying to find something to focus on in the moment. Does this have something to do with our instantaneous culture? Cell phones and PDA's that deliver all our information to it the moment it happens--we don't have to wait to get to a computer to read our email--it is sent straight to the phone! My Facebook updates are all sent to me in text messages. When I have a question about, oh, say, what's the average amount of calories a person can burn while working at a desk, or how many individuals in the 20th and 21st century have owned lions as housepets, I immediately drop everything I'm doing and BAM! Google directs me to an answer. If I am surrounded and immersed in this kind of instant gratification all the time, how can I learn to be patient?

As an adult, and a human, I have to at least pretend to be patient on a regular basis. My puppy, when she wants to play, stands in front of you and barks until you grab the other end of whatever it is she wants to tug. It's not a small bark, either--it's as big as she is, 125 pounds. I have to sit on my hands and wait for a colleague to respond to a message, or for my friends to email me back, knowing full well that I am not the only person requiring their attention for the day.

Maybe being aware of it is the first step, right? Admitting I have a problem? There, done. What's next? I can't wait.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Intelligence Quotient

When I was in elementary school, I was taken out of class one day and led to a little wood-paneled office. The woman there asked me all sorts of interesting questions, had me look at pictures and read her things from books, and I think had me walk across a little low balance beam, though that part may have been only in my head. After I was there for what seemed like ages in my little mind, the woman asked me if I would like to do something special one afternoon a week, where I would get to leave my class with a couple other kids and play with interesting toys and puzzles and read new books. I thought that sounded great, so I agreed.

They called it Gifted, I believe, and I and a few other kids went to a different classroom on Wednesday afternoons and played with interesting toys. I don’t remember much more about it than that, but I did really enjoy it. It also made me feel very special and smart. That I was picked out of all the students as someone who was worthy of going to Gifted. I remember trying not to act like it was a big deal, but Wednesday afternoon was always my favorite part of the week.

In middle school and high school, I took the “honors” classes, and I thought they were a breeze. I rarely studied and made straight A’s through school, until my senior year when I took a Calculus class and couldn’t keep up (I blamed it on the teacher and the fact that math was boring, and wrote it off as a fluke). I ended up with a B in Calculus and headed off to college.

College was a whole other story. I signed up for Calculus (hey, I had already taken it once, how hard could it be the second time?), Chemistry 2 (since I had taken college level chemistry in high school and passed with flying colors), and some general education classes. The first semester was downhill from day one.

I’m sure part of the problem was that I wasn’t really sleeping, I stayed out late, partied a lot, and tried to do homework at 3 a.m. while slightly intoxicated and not quite awake. I could barely stay awake during the walk to class, let alone lectures. I ended up with a D in chemistry (thanks to a very compassionate professor who would let me come to office hours even though I didn’t pay attention in class) and a C in calculus (yes, a worse grade than the first time I took the EXACT SAME CLASS). And that was after studying MUCH harder than I ever had in high school. My other grades were A’s and B’s, but I had to work hard at them, too.

After considering leaving school after first semester, I found my niche (NOT in math and science, by the way) and, even though I still had to work hard, I managed to bring my GPA up to a respectable number by the time I graduated. That whole experience taught me that I wasn’t as smart as I had once thought I was…in fact, I considered myself to be on the slightly below-average side of the curve for students at my college. After believing myself so special as to be selected for Gifted class, it was hard to handle, but I figured that I had either fooled that woman in elementary school, or that my intelligence had leveled off over time.

Then I became what you might call a “grownup.” (I use this term loosely, as I don’t feel that I have had nearly enough time to grow up to the point where I am an adult…buy I digress.)

In my daily life, whether it is at work or around the city, I think I have discovered that I am smarter than I thought. I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m bragging…it’s just that I think most of the time, people don’t spend enough time on anything to fully understand, and therefore waste everyone else’s time with questions that they could have answered themselves, had they stopped for just a moment.

Additionally, adults never really seem to act like adults…the longer I am one, or am pretending to be one, it seems that people are just the same as they were as teenagers—older but no wiser. It is fascinating to me to listen to a conversation between two people and see just what they were like as children, displaying what they were taught by those older and supposedly wiser than they.

It makes me feel a little smarter (though way less intelligent than some of my friends, who read constantly and absorb information like a sponge, whether it be about literature or history or computer programming and theory or law) to know that I can step back and see this, even if I don’t always act like someone with more than a quarter century of life behind her.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Soaking It In

After I spent the week in Colorado running, walking, hiking, and biking, I felt like my calf muscles were so tight they were going to snap at any moment like a rubber band, and all the rest of my body was sore and stiff. When we arrived at our resort at the beginning of the week, I had noticed that there was a Yoga studio right across the street, so after we turned our bikes back in to the rental place, I went over to check out their schedule. Later that evening, I took a great beginner’s class, and I can’t believe I haven’t done that more often.

Up to this point, most my experience with yoga has been second-hand—my friend Red practices at home and has read up on the principles of yoga (not surprising, since she always seems to know a lot about most of the things I become interested in—she’s smart and savvy and loves learning). I had taken a class at the Liberty Community Center, but it was more focused on yoga as exercise, rather than as a practice and an all-around learning experience.

So last night, I decided I would try it out in Kansas City. The Knitters and I tried yoga at the Liberty Memorial for the summer solstice, but it was hard for me as a beginner to keep up with the group of experienced practitioners. After I did some research about yoga studios in Kansas City, however, I ended up with my best option as Kansas Siddhi Yoga, the same group that hosted the summer solstice event. Last night I attended a class at their KSY West studio at 1717 Wyandotte.

I was intimidated at first. Not having participated in very many “true” yoga classes, I was worried I wouldn’t know the poses, and, though it is irrational, I felt like everyone would be watching me and see how awkward I was. I unfurled my mat and grabbed all the appropriate equipment from the back of the room (after slyly watching someone before me collect her things and copying her actions), and then sat down to wait for the start of class.

I tend to fidget a lot, whether it is in a class or at my desk at work or in a meeting or watching t.v. I have a very hard time sitting still—I always want to adjust my shirt or crack my knuckles or twirl my hair. At the class I took in Colorado, the teacher kept reminding us NOT to fidget, and as I tried to sit quietly and prepare myself to be open to this new class, I noticed how still everyone else was sitting, and tried to follow suit.

The teacher, Gina (who is also the owner of the studio) opened the class with 10 minutes or so of speaking. She talked about how part of the practice of yoga, outside being a form of exercise, is to apply your yoga practice to your daily life. It is important to take things in stages, and fully experience each stage—whether that is in learning a new pose or in going about your daily life. She said the following (and I paraphrase), and I have been repeating it in my head ever since:

"Be here, in this moment. There does not exist yet, or does not exist anymore. If here is all there is, if this moment is all that exists, then you can only be able to be here, in this moment."

I spent most of the class trying to shut out the day and focus on each moment of the class, to fully experience each pose and what my body was doing as I moved. It’s not very easy to do, and I probably spent more time pulling my mind back to the class than I did actually being there in the moment, but it was my first day, so I am taking it in stages. I think this class will help me practice “soaking it in,” per my happiness commandments. If you want to come with me to a class, let me know—it was very enjoyable. I’ll be going back on a regular basis.

Congratulations, Susie!


Big congratulations go out to my baby sister Susan today, who has just published her first choral arrangement with Santa Barbara Music Publishing.

The piece was originally written and performed by Sara Groves, a Christian artist whose parents still live in Springfield. It's a gorgeous song with beautiful lyrics, and since my sister is so talented, the arrangement is stunning. Susan has arranged multiple pieces for the acapella group she sang in at Missouri State University, A Cub Bella.

It doesn't look like the price list at SBMP.com has been updated just yet, but if you know anyone who would like to purchase the piece for a choir to perform, they should be able to order it shortly from SBMP's web site.

Way to go, Susie! I am so proud of you!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I ♥ Chris Thile

Dear Chris Thile,
If you happen to peruse the wide, wide world of web for postings including your name from random fans, please know that this post is intended in no way to be frightening or off-putting. I just think you're the bee's knees, and I had to share my love for you with the world.

Dear blog readers,
If you haven't heard of Chris Thile, I suggest--nay, I implore--you go right out to iTunes and buy some of his music. Chris is an incredible mandolin player--you'll never believe how fast his fingers can move on the strings, or the beauty of the melodies he creates. His three most recent solo albums (Not All Who Wander Are Lost, Deceiver, and How to Grow a Woman From the Ground) are all excellent (the first of the three albums is all instrumental and the other two include some tracks with vocals and some without). He is formerly of the group Nickel Creek (a progressive bluegrass trio with Sean and Sara Watkins, which is now defunct) and is currently performing with a new band called Punch Brothers, as well as other random performances by himself and with other talented musicians.

I am on vacation with the family (my parents, my sister and her husband, and my own husband). When I saw on Chris Thile's web site that he would be in Aspen while we were a mere two hours away, I decided I was willing to make the drive and pay the possibly exorbitant amount of money to see him perform. Somehow I roped the rest of my family into doing this as well.

Chris performed last night at Harris Concert Hall in Aspen, CO (a venue of the Aspen Music School) with Edgar Meyer, a bassist I have only recently been introduced to by my friend Alex, who gave me a copy of A Short Trip Home, a really interesting album with Edgar Meyer and Josh Bell, and several other ridiculously talented string players.

Edgar Meyer is also a stellar musician--you've never seen the bass played like this. He plays it more like a cello--with his fingers flying over the fingerboard almost to the bridge, hitting notes I never thought would come out of a bass (at least not with a pleasant sound). He practically has to lean over the bass to play--it probably makes his back sore to stand that way for a few hours!

While Edgar was thrilling to watch and obviously one of the most talented musicians I had ever seen, it was Chris Thile who kept my attention. He wore a suit that looked like it might have belonged to one of the Beatles, and shoes that were black (and looked a little funny next to his navy suit). His hair was messy and his clothes were wrinkled. When he plays, he does a funny little dance...in time with the music but still awkward, but also endearing. What I love the best is that he isn't concerned with what the audience thinks (which I suppose is true about every musician who is successful--the reason your audience loves you is that you are who you are, consistently and believably).

They made few small jokes, but mostly just played--fingers flying and humor in their tunes, intimately connected to the music. Some bluegrass and some classical, pieces written by both of them and also some written together, which will be available on a collaborative album in 2008, titled simply, Chris Thile & Edgar Meyer.

For the first half of the show I was in the back row of a small auditorium, holding maybe 500 people, maybe less. For the second half, I sat on the stage, just behind the performers (my parents bought their tickets at the last minute and those were the only available seats). Nothing moves me more than passion--for life, for music, for one's work, whatever it is. These two definitely have that and more...some indefinable quality that makes a performance worth watching.

I wish I could convey better how fun it was for me to watch the show...I'm no music critic that is for sure.

Chris, if you read this, thanks for the concert--it was the perfect addition to my summer vacation. I hope to see you again somewhere soon.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Mental Hyperactivity

I have always had an overactive imagination.

One of my favorite games as a child was to play in my backyard, pretending that I had a horse named Blackie that followed me around. In my mind, Blackie and I would gallop through the woods behind my neighbor's house, and I would feed him in the pretend stable in my yard.

There were other games I played--my friend Nicole and I would ride through the neighborhood on our 10-speed bikes, as superheroes coming to save the world from evil. My bike's name was Thunder (Nicole's was Lightning), and we had a theme song that we would sing as we sped towards the innocent victims that needed our assistance.

Nicole and I could play for hours with Fisher-Price Little People, but it was a complicated soap opera world they lived in, where twins vied for the same role in a toothpaste commercial, boyfriends cheated on their girlfriends, and families were in constant turmoil.

All of these things seemed much more exciting than our own lives (with happily married parents and siblings who slightly annoyed us, in a nice quiet neighborhood in a small midwestern town). Thanks to my mother, I rarely watched television (1 hour limit per day) and we didn't have any video games until I was 10 and my sister and I pooled our money to buy one ourselves. Mom made a rule that we HAD to read at least an hour each day before we could do anything else. My sister saw this as torture, but I thought it was the best rule ever created at our house.

Then, I'm sure my parents saw my overactive imagination as a blessing--I could be out in the back yard for hours, entertaining myself. I'm sure that my imagination is at the root of why I feel the need to be creative.

There is a downside to this imagination, though--it hasn't gotten any less powerful since I was in elementary school. In fact, I think it has gotten MORE powerful, and more dangerous.

I am easily distracted at work, or even with friends, or at home in the middle of a movie. My brain is taken over by my crazy imagination and I can't focus at all. When I'm driving I imagine crazy scenarios, straight out of an action movie. I worry that I'll drive off the road thinking I'm being chased by a spy from the former Soviet Union.

When my friends or family are late arriving to my house to pick me up for some event, I imagine that they've had a terrible accident. My imagination takes me through all the stages of grief in lightning speed. I imagine what it would be like to continue my life without them--how heartbroken I'd be, how unable to continue, how crushed. Then my brain concocts a heroic story of survival and rebirth as I work through my pain to become a better, stronger person.

In conversation, I have a hard time taking what someone says at face value. Every movement, every facial twitch, every choice of word sends me reeling into what they're really thinking, and what they meant and where they've been. With friends I haven't seen in a while, I imagine inserting myself into their interesting lives. Sometimes I imagine how my life would have turned out differently if I had made this choice or that choice, and I can see the entirety of my existence mapped out before me in the new direction.

The problem is I get wistful about it, and start to believe my imaginary scenarios could and should be real, which makes me feel unbalanced and chaotic. Even the horrible ones--I am such a brave heroine in my own mind that I almost wouldn't mind if something tragic happened, just so I could live out those scenes in real life.

This overactive imagination is part of Commandment #9 (Think Moderation), but I'm not sure if there is a way to stifle that part of my brain. I've started writing down the stories that are coming out of that part of my head, in the hopes that if I can get them out of there, I won't obsess as much, but it could make it worse. Any ideas about how to quiet the mind? (Substance free suggestions, please--I've already tried chemical remedies.)