Follow Through

It's only been 2 days since I posted my Happiness Commandments, but I realized I had to add something to the list. It's ridiculous that I didn't notice it was missing--but maybe that's why I have to add it.

I have a hard time with following through on things. There isn't a specific set of things that I have a hard time with--my lack of commitment to tasks spans across leisure activities, work tasks, family obligations, and chores.

It has been AGES since The Husband and I replaced the carpet in our house with wood floors. I don't even remember when we did it, it has been so long. In order to replace the floors, we removed the baseboards and the closet doors from the bedrooms. We still haven't put them back up.

I have two books checked out from the library that I swear I want to read, but they are just sitting in the house--one on the bedside table and one in the library basket--and now I've reached my limit of renewals and have to take them back or pay the fine.

There is a crazy long list of tasks in my inbox at work that need to be completed, but they keep getting shoved to the bottom of the list.

All of these things make me unhappy. Not necessarily because I hate the missing baseboards and doors, or because I'll not finish the books, or because I can't finish the tasks at work. More because I know that I'm capable of doing all these things, and can't get motivated enough to do them. I'm disappointed in myself for letting these things lapse, and I know that I will feel more centered if I can follow through on the things I start.

So, my list of commandments is no longer an even 10, but I felt that to be truly accurate, number 11 had to be added. Gretchen had some advice for completing tasks that I think I will try, to see if I can get some of these things completed!

My ELEVEN Commandments (for Happiness)

I've been reading Gretchen Rubin's blog every day for about a month, and following her suggestion (and the encouragement from Ginger after I read her post), I am going to post my list of Happiness Commandments.

Gretchen suggests that we develop a list of commandments to help us strive for happiness in our daily lives. They should be lofty goals, but not task-oriented. They should be simple and not too comprehensive. And they don't necessarily have to make sense to anyone but you, since you are the one who has to follow them.

I have already been reciting these to myself daily, and trying to live by them. Most recently, I have been working on number 8, Don't Complain. I asked The Husband to help me become a runner, and for the first few days I complained the entire route: about how I hate getting up early, and it was hot, and I was tired, and I couldn't manage it. Poor guy--he stuck with me anyway.

In an effort to keep my running coach from abandoning me, I decided complaining wasn't helping anyone, and so I added this one to my list of happiness commandments. It has definitely made the runs more pleasant for him, and I discovered if I didn't complain so much, I had more energy to complete the run. Go figure.

Without further ado...

My Happiness Commandments

1. Remember what is important.
2. Be honest.
3. Don't compare myself to others.
4. Soak it up.
5. Be creative.
6. Say no.
7. Be content, not complacent.
8. Don't complain.
9. Think moderation.
10. Let go.
11. Follow through. (added 7-31-08)

I hope to be able to blog about following these commandments, or at least about the consequences when I do not. I'd like to hear about YOUR happiness commandments, as well; if you write some, let me know.

A Decade of Me

Last week I had lunch with someone I hadn't seen in 10 years. A decade. Since I was still a teenager. It made me think about all the things that I have been and done since we last spoke.

I almost expected, before arriving to the lunch, that I would feel as if I had changed monumentally from who I was at the age of 19, but as I sat down and we talked about college and work and life in general, I was surprised to realize that I actually felt much the same as I did 10 years ago.

I have learned a few things and experienced a lot, so that isn't to say that I'm not changed as a person. I suppose I never really feel as old as I am, and I think most people would probably say the same. Years go by quickly (and even more quickly the older we are) and so it is nice to know that I still feel like I'm 21 or so.

Since I turned 19 (I believe I saw my friend last on or around my 19th birthday), I have gotten a tattoo, become financially independent from my parents (a little earlier than I planned), lived in Europe for a year, graduated from college, floundered as an unemployed college graduate, gotten a job, started listening to NPR, gotten married, bought a house, trained dogs, taught violin lessons, learned to knit, and developed a love for sushi and gin and tonic, to name just a few things.

Yet I still feel the same.

I don't know why this is so surprising to me. I was shocked when I got married to learn that I was still the exact same person after I went through the ceremony and signed the marriage liscence as I was before all of that. It took me a few months to come to terms with it. That sounds silly now, but I think some part of me thought (and maybe still does...too many Audrey Hepburn movies) that some mysterious and magical change comes over a person when one gets hitched, and one begins to feel wifely or husbandly and knows how automatically to be the perfect spouse (or at least the perfect housekeeper, or something). I had a great example of a tried and true, long-lasting union in my parents, who bicker occasionally about silly things, but have lasted for almost 40 years without many bumps in their relationship road.

I was shocked when I got a job in "the real world" that I didn't automatically become a morning person. I was surprised when I bought a house that I didn't automatically become a fabulous housekeeper. It was interesting to learn that the instant I got a newer car, I forgot about how exciting it was.

So still feeling like the same soul I was 10 years ago is weird. The body is a little older, and the experiences have certainly made an impact, but I'm still me. I haven't really thought about the fact that I'm just going to have to accept who I am...I suppose that I always expected to be able to change if I wanted, but that seems NOT to be the case. If I am the same now as I was 10 years ago, it stands to reason that I will be the same 10 years into the future. I hope I can be a good me, since I seem to be settled into who I am.

My New Camera

I didn't think that any piece of electronic equipment would ever be able to make me as elated as my iPod, but my little mp3 player may have met its match today...my new digital SLR camera, the Canon EOS 30D.

I bought it used, and they took my two old 35mm cameras in trade, so it wasn't as pricey as buying a brand new camera. She has a few worn spots, from loving use by some other photographer, but she works well, at least as far as I know. There are a lot more dials and buttons than my old 35mm cameras had, so I'm still learning the ropes.

If you were ever present when I used my old camera, I apologize--I yelled at it a lot, usually with unpleasant language, because it took horrible pictures and I hated it.

I'm still learning the ropes of this new camera, but so far I love it! Here are a few pictures I took this afternoon, of a gorgeous little girl you may recognize.

On Excess

I have a problem with excess. In my diet, in my commitments, in relationships, and in my psyche.

I have always jokingly said that I have an addictive personality, but there is a lot of truth to that statement. I think what I mean is that I have a hard time knowing when to stop, and generally take everything further than it should go.

Lunch Thursday, for example: I went with a work pal to a little place called Georgie Porgie's in South KC. It's a greasy spoon kind of joint--definitely not somewhere that will help you stay awake for the rest of the afternoon, nor is it somewhere that is good for one's waistline. I ordered a BLT and tater tots--both things I did NOT need. I was full after I had eaten three-fourths of the sandwich and half the tater tots, but did I stop? No. I even commented to my lunch companion that I should stop, but I didn't do it.

Another example: I tend to overbook myself (and yes, some of you might say that is an understatement). I have a hard time saying no to people, and usually, when they ask, I don't really WANT to say no, anyway. My activities always sound like a great idea at the time, but somehow, teaching violin lessons, or teaching dog classes, or sitting on the boards of not-for-profit organizations, or singing in a choral ensemble always end up being things that start to drive me crazy, and I have to weasle my way out of them.

In my relationships, I tend to smother. This is part of my personality (according to the Meyers-Briggs test), so any potential children in my future should be warned ahead of time: I will most likely drive you almost to insanity. My mother is the same type I am, and I can see myself in her. Some of the traits are good (she is an excellent teacher, very organized, incredibly creative and talented, and good at pulling everyone in to feel a part of the group). Others (namely, not being able to resist overwhelming people with affections) are things I wish I had not inherited.

On top of these things, I seem to take to excess the fretting, worrying, agonizing, and contemplating about my excessive nature. In the past few weeks, I have (in my mind) succeeded in driving some friends almost to the brink of what they can stand. Granted, most of our communication is in email or text message form, so it's really hard to tell what they are thinking, but I tend to want to carry each conversation to its bitter demise, while others are clawing at the walls (or the inbox) to escape me. At least, that is what I feel like is happening--responses get short, or what sound like excuses are offered up by my conversation mates, and I start to worry that I've driven people them away.

In all these things, I don't seem to be able to help myself. I have next to no will power when it comes to stopping (whether I need to stop eating, stop saying yes, stop pressing send in the electronic communication medium, or stop obsessing). Having a blog probably only feeds this desire to continue and to rehash, to overwork each idea.

Where does will power come from? Is it something one just manifests from nowhere, or is there a beginning point--a seed of inspiration or a nudge from an outside force--that can force oneself to develop a will? I am strong-willed in some aspects of my life, but absolute mush when it comes to controlling my need for the over-do. If anyone has made the transition from no will to willful, I'd like to know how you accomplished it.

The Homemade Jamz Blues Band

I just heard a great band interview--the best I've heard in a while. I want to share it with everyone I know, so please take a listen to Melissa Bloch's interview with The Homemade Jamz Blues Band.

The band is made up of three siblings, who make their own guitars and sing the blues...but they are all under 16. Album for sale on iTunes for $9.99.

I feel a little bit inspired to do something I love this evening--writing--after hearing these kids talk about their drive and passion for what they love to do.

A Hard Day

This morning started out terribly—traffic was awful (as The Husband said, it was “the perfect traffic storm”), I’m behind on work projects, and to top it all off my team got the news this morning that one of our team members lost his 5 month old baby girl to complications from heart surgery. At 10 a.m. this morning, I didn’t think I was going to make it through the day without either screaming and throwing my laptop through a window or breaking down into a crumbly, weepy mess.

I am quite easily influenced by the twists and turns the day takes as I traverse from waking to sleeping. A rainy morning makes it next to impossible to get out of bed. A beautiful breezy spring day makes my blood rush and my heart swell, and I feel like singing. News of a tragedy, albeit remote from my life, sends me spiraling downwards. Beautiful pictures of my friend Amy and her gorgeous little family send me bounding the opposite emotional direction.

I am sure that it is unhealthy to be this affected by the course of a day. This morning I wasn’t sure how I would get through the rest of the day. I felt shaky and disorganized, a little like I was missing caffeine (which I was; maybe that was part of the problem), and utterly derailed by how a Tuesday morning started for me. I have described this feeling to a friend as “manic,” but not really in a bi-polar context—more like I have absolutely no control over my emotions, and I feel like I might explode trying to pull myself back into some sort of quiet emotional state. The two ends of my mental spectrum are emotional chaos (the “manic” state) and peace, rather than happy and sad. Mostly, I feel like which end I tumble towards has nothing to do with anything I can affect; rather, I feel like it is something that happens TO me.

Last week, Ginger introduced me to an interesting little blog called The Happiness Project. It’s something I haven’t thought about before—that setting your mood can be a project that you can control, and you can undertake a project (or multiple projects) to put yourself in a state of happiness (in my case, a state of mental peace). I was a little skeptical when I read my first bit of The Happiness Project, but as I’ve checked in on it every few days, I’ve realized I’m starting to become a believer.

Today’s post was an interview with an author named Sue Shapiro, and one of the things she said stuck in my mind. “Love doesn't make you happy; make yourself happy. Then you get love.” I’m trying to take that statement and apply it to myself (I’ve substituted “peace” for “love” in my personal instance). It may not erase the trials of the day, but it’s an encouraging start—if I want today to be beautiful, I may have to make it so on my own.

I've decided to attempt a bit of Gretchen's methods for finding happiness. I'll let you know how it turns out.

The Paranoid Replay

This is my first blog entry. Do not be alarmed--if I sound crazy at times, it only means that I probably am. Sometimes (maybe even most of the time), I feel crazy, but it has recently come to my attention that while I may be crazy, much of the rest of the world is as well, and it isn't anything to be ashamed about.

Recently, while attending a yoga session at the Liberty Memorial in Kansas City, in celebration of the summer solstice (say what? Yes, that is what I was doing) some friends of mine and I learned some things about each other. I must say, these friends are so important to me, and I trust and admire them so much, that I am ashamed I did not know these things earlier.

Each of us has felt what I have begun to refer to as The Paranoid Replay. Maybe you've experienced it as well--you are traipsing along in conversation with someone, whom you may know well or barely at all, enjoying yourself or otherwise, when suddenly: you say something you wish you hadn't.

In all actuality, your conversation mate probably hasn't noticed your comment at all, or if she did, she absorbed it and processed it and has moved on, maybe even as soon as your next sentence. In your mind, however, you can't stop thinking--nay, obsessing about what you've said. You take it home and roll it around in your brain all day, and into the evening, through your dreams and nightmares. You may even take it so far as into your next day. You feel embarassed. In my case, my face flushes when I merely think about what I've said, or even feel tears welling up in my eyes.

Until the first day of summer (unfortunately as we were helping one of our group to the car with an unfortunate leapfrog injury), I thought I was the only person who did this.

You may be thinking, how arrogant, to think that you're the only one who feels something, or knows something...nothing new under the sun and all that. I happen to agree.

One of my brave friends mentioned that she was sorry for a comment she made, and started the ball rolling...one by one, each of us described having felt the exact same way, multiple times a week, even, and thinking that we were all a little crazy for not being able to let go of our verbal blunders. Each of us presented examples (and proved at least to each other, if not to ourselves, that we were all worrying for no reason).

This isn't to say that I won't fling myself mirthlessly into another Paranoid Replay in the near future--in fact I may have even done it since this realization came about.

What I will do, though, is allow myself to write a blog (no groans from the peanut gallery, please). I had, until now, been keeping a secret blog, sure that my friends and family would think me insane if they could read my thoughts. While I probably won't publish THOSE posts, I will share a little of what I am thinking, and know that while I'm probably NOT very normal, I happen to like myself that way.

Thanks to my friends who aren't afraid to admit that they are a little crazy, too.