The Paranoid Replay

This is my first blog entry. Do not be alarmed--if I sound crazy at times, it only means that I probably am. Sometimes (maybe even most of the time), I feel crazy, but it has recently come to my attention that while I may be crazy, much of the rest of the world is as well, and it isn't anything to be ashamed about.

Recently, while attending a yoga session at the Liberty Memorial in Kansas City, in celebration of the summer solstice (say what? Yes, that is what I was doing) some friends of mine and I learned some things about each other. I must say, these friends are so important to me, and I trust and admire them so much, that I am ashamed I did not know these things earlier.

Each of us has felt what I have begun to refer to as The Paranoid Replay. Maybe you've experienced it as well--you are traipsing along in conversation with someone, whom you may know well or barely at all, enjoying yourself or otherwise, when suddenly: you say something you wish you hadn't.

In all actuality, your conversation mate probably hasn't noticed your comment at all, or if she did, she absorbed it and processed it and has moved on, maybe even as soon as your next sentence. In your mind, however, you can't stop thinking--nay, obsessing about what you've said. You take it home and roll it around in your brain all day, and into the evening, through your dreams and nightmares. You may even take it so far as into your next day. You feel embarassed. In my case, my face flushes when I merely think about what I've said, or even feel tears welling up in my eyes.

Until the first day of summer (unfortunately as we were helping one of our group to the car with an unfortunate leapfrog injury), I thought I was the only person who did this.

You may be thinking, how arrogant, to think that you're the only one who feels something, or knows something...nothing new under the sun and all that. I happen to agree.

One of my brave friends mentioned that she was sorry for a comment she made, and started the ball rolling...one by one, each of us described having felt the exact same way, multiple times a week, even, and thinking that we were all a little crazy for not being able to let go of our verbal blunders. Each of us presented examples (and proved at least to each other, if not to ourselves, that we were all worrying for no reason).

This isn't to say that I won't fling myself mirthlessly into another Paranoid Replay in the near future--in fact I may have even done it since this realization came about.

What I will do, though, is allow myself to write a blog (no groans from the peanut gallery, please). I had, until now, been keeping a secret blog, sure that my friends and family would think me insane if they could read my thoughts. While I probably won't publish THOSE posts, I will share a little of what I am thinking, and know that while I'm probably NOT very normal, I happen to like myself that way.

Thanks to my friends who aren't afraid to admit that they are a little crazy, too.