On Excess

I have a problem with excess. In my diet, in my commitments, in relationships, and in my psyche.

I have always jokingly said that I have an addictive personality, but there is a lot of truth to that statement. I think what I mean is that I have a hard time knowing when to stop, and generally take everything further than it should go.

Lunch Thursday, for example: I went with a work pal to a little place called Georgie Porgie's in South KC. It's a greasy spoon kind of joint--definitely not somewhere that will help you stay awake for the rest of the afternoon, nor is it somewhere that is good for one's waistline. I ordered a BLT and tater tots--both things I did NOT need. I was full after I had eaten three-fourths of the sandwich and half the tater tots, but did I stop? No. I even commented to my lunch companion that I should stop, but I didn't do it.

Another example: I tend to overbook myself (and yes, some of you might say that is an understatement). I have a hard time saying no to people, and usually, when they ask, I don't really WANT to say no, anyway. My activities always sound like a great idea at the time, but somehow, teaching violin lessons, or teaching dog classes, or sitting on the boards of not-for-profit organizations, or singing in a choral ensemble always end up being things that start to drive me crazy, and I have to weasle my way out of them.

In my relationships, I tend to smother. This is part of my personality (according to the Meyers-Briggs test), so any potential children in my future should be warned ahead of time: I will most likely drive you almost to insanity. My mother is the same type I am, and I can see myself in her. Some of the traits are good (she is an excellent teacher, very organized, incredibly creative and talented, and good at pulling everyone in to feel a part of the group). Others (namely, not being able to resist overwhelming people with affections) are things I wish I had not inherited.

On top of these things, I seem to take to excess the fretting, worrying, agonizing, and contemplating about my excessive nature. In the past few weeks, I have (in my mind) succeeded in driving some friends almost to the brink of what they can stand. Granted, most of our communication is in email or text message form, so it's really hard to tell what they are thinking, but I tend to want to carry each conversation to its bitter demise, while others are clawing at the walls (or the inbox) to escape me. At least, that is what I feel like is happening--responses get short, or what sound like excuses are offered up by my conversation mates, and I start to worry that I've driven people them away.

In all these things, I don't seem to be able to help myself. I have next to no will power when it comes to stopping (whether I need to stop eating, stop saying yes, stop pressing send in the electronic communication medium, or stop obsessing). Having a blog probably only feeds this desire to continue and to rehash, to overwork each idea.

Where does will power come from? Is it something one just manifests from nowhere, or is there a beginning point--a seed of inspiration or a nudge from an outside force--that can force oneself to develop a will? I am strong-willed in some aspects of my life, but absolute mush when it comes to controlling my need for the over-do. If anyone has made the transition from no will to willful, I'd like to know how you accomplished it.